Quotes![edit | edit source]

One Shots
Ray's One-Shot
Newt: His touch is enough
Tristram, after the worst encounter of all time: I hope you guys all saved your buckets!

Post: yeah did you guys keep your buckets

Howell: Yes its on my head. I use it to sense the ocean currents, thats how I tell where I'm going

Post: You will get an opportunity attack on this rug
Howell: i cant hurt you legally
Howell: I don't care, let me die, lets go.
Howell: Yall'st've Still Got Ya B U C K E T S
Newt: EHHHHHHHH "turns into Crimin O'Brien"

Howell: NANI??

Crimin: Hi i'm crimin o'brien

Fiora, leader of all bards: You're here today because because of a mutual friend...

Howell: Gug.

Howell: Madam I have a question?

Fiora: yes?

Howell: What do you want with Buckets?

Fiora: they're not real buckets *snaps fingers and they disappear*

Dhalia: Not Newts!

Newt: I have bucket insurance! *gestures buckets*

Tristram: I don't like this, I don't like your murder and or sex dungeon, I'm not about any of this

Newt: what type of dungeon?

Theo: don't worry about it, but keep your grease up.

Newt: Alright, my grease is ready.

Tristram: "I feel the opposite of aroused right now."
Post: *describes room with lots of water and people inside bubbles*

Newt: This must be the Ocean Council!

*time passes we beat an aboleth*

Someone: This is a pretty small organization.

Fiora: Our organization is much larger than this council.

Dhalia: So this is the ocean council

CHAPTER I
SESSION 5: Crime Pays Super Well Actually
Tristram: Howell!

Howell: What?

Tristram: Did you actually murder this old woman?

Howell: Whoa, don't get it twisted.

Howell: Can you guys come in like ... Ten minutes?

Tristram: we're going to be dead by then.

Howell: ok 5 then?

Summitt: It costs me 10 gold to change my cat into a bird.

Zach: Using gold to cast spells? What a rip off.

Yohary: What sort of capitalist system is this?

Tristram: *Catipalistic system.

Tristram: Alright lets take a vote, all in favor say aye. Aye.

Kallorek: Aye

Dhalia: Aye

Howell: Aye guess.

Tristram: We are not going to kill a kid just because he's got a bounty.

Kallorek: Well I mean if he has a bounty on his head he must of done something wrong.

Tristram: We are not going to kill a 5 year old just because he has a 1000 gold bounty on his head!

Kallorek: I mean i've done worse, we've all done worse for a bounty.

Dhalia: No, we haven't.

Kallorek: Well, we tried.

Alex: You decapitate him.

Summitt: Wait, is he dead?

Howell Yago: What is the dance of the Owlbear?
Howell Yago: Dhalia don't pet these horses, these are criminal horses.
Howell Yago: On the streets you have to wrangle your own meat.
Howell Yago: I forgot we are getting money for this!
Kallorek, talking about making a gold coin with prestidigitation: Yeah but you can lure a homeless man with it.
SESSION 6: Carry on my Feyward Son
Matthew: If they're gonna eat anybody, they're gonna eat Will, cuz he's blind.

Will: What? Why does that make sense?

SESSION 7: Noble Pursuits
Ray: Can I insight check a dagger?
Ray: Jack ... Jack, i'll miss you ... Jack
Theo: Lets stop and eat lunch.

Ray: We ate two hours ago?!

Theo: Yeah lets eat again! Theo's a hungry boy.

Theo: Think of it as like a friendly ghost with a giant knife.
SESSION 8: Reparations
Gondolier: you know we still owe you guys a favor.

Tristram: We're saving it for a Rainy Day.

After having a very odd conversation with the old guy who's house Tristram "Allegedly" burned down.Alex: He get's an attack of opportunity

Tristram: Oh' please oh please let me murder my way out of this awkward conversation

Alex: He bats at you with his old man hand

Tristram: what are these kids?

Alex: Yeah there's like 3 of them, and ones standing in front with a knife ready to shank you in the ankles if you attack Gwen

Tristram: Yeah I only revived Gug out of spite
Alex: *utterly elaborate description and drawing of Auriel, a celestial lion the size of a mountain with three concentric rings where its eyes are supposed to be*

Tristram: Guys I'm being haunted by a giant clock lion.

Tristram: * Poorly worded and low-class explanation of thing *

Dhalia: * Not paying attention, says the same thing but better stated in terms of grammar and diction *

Tristram: Stop repeating what I just said but more eloquent and shit!

SESSION 9: Ectopus I: Ghost Hentai
Tristram: ON THE FUCKING DIAGONAL! (60^2-15^2)^1/2 is 58 feet! It can go 58 feet down!

Post: He doesn't know that!

Alex: its 55 down, you guys can't reach it!

Post: Jennings you are now a giant shark!

Alex: you're polymorphing him?

Post: yep!

Alex: hggghhhh

Post: Shouldn't he escape? its got a strength of 23

Alex: I'm gonna roll a stren.. *rolls 1*

Post: GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE YOURE A SHARK

Ray: Did you see me being a shark? I was a shark, guys did you see that?

Tristram: No, I didn't

Ray: oh i'll do it again sometime

Tristram: yeah you should do it on land next time

Dhalia: I want to check the ectocorpse

Ray: I check the bodies

Ray: *rolls investigation*

Dhalia: after that I check the bodies

Alex: Dhalia you find a bunch of loot

Jennings: yeah we can see it with light vision
SESSION 10: Ectopus II: Gooey Boogaloo
Jennings: I'm going to do a couple of roll-up warms

Literally everyone else: ... Jennings: Warm up rolls.

Post: I vote to take the body to the cops, I don't trust the mom

Tristram: I also don't trust the mom; who would willingly have kids? A psychopath thats who.

Dhalia: shouldn't we give the body back to the mom?

Theo: No its dead so its an object and we possess it we own it thats how the law works.

Oli: I can't swear tonight, my grandma's in the other room

Theo: 10-4

Tristram: What the FUCK is...

Theo: we are the Association of Silly Hats
Tristram: "would you be curious to help us not be in the fuck whatever the fuck this is?"

-Tristram bartering with a Fey Demon Cat

Alex: This government does support LGBT rights but not public education

Tristram: how will i know if I'm LGBT if i'm not educated

Alex: ... I can't answer ...

Ray: DO YA LIKE DICKS!?

Alex: ... that for you.

Dhalia: Hey!

Ray: I'm not trying to put words... dicks in his mouth!

SESSION 11: Orphanarium
Jorin: I don't want to live with the hobos, they're smelly.
Theo: We need to get children
Tristram: "I know a person...who has access to orphans"
Theo: This shouldn't be that hard.

Tristram: That's the one thing we don't say about the difficulty of things, 3 hours later we'll still be struggling to unlock the door to our bar.

Tristram: I've got fricken princess tiny hands over telling me to calm down.
Alex: fiddling the shit out of it
after theo fireballs a room full of children, and then a fightAlex: there were five children here, you killed 5 children

Theo: wait there were kids

Alex: yes

Theo: oh jeeez

Dhalia: I got my money back, so

SESSION 12: PRISON AND DEATH

Alex (as baldy): What would you feel about working for the Bluecloaks?

Jorin: hmmmmm

Jennings: oh god please take it please take it, take the out.

Kayla: dude?

Jennings: oh shit was I not muted?

Lady Esmerelda: I can't help you directly; but I can send someone with you *Kareen steps out of the shadows*.

Theo: VAMPIRE WAIFU!

Ray: YES I have my girl, I have my wingman, I have the dude who owes me a favor. This is a rom-com now!

Ray: Howell do you have any Jam?

Howell: No

Ray: oh we have to hook you up

Howell: No, the Jam was always an improvisation. I'm sure I'll find some other sort of condiment.

Howell: slaps top of barrell "This baby can fit so many people"
Howell: And we won't look at the explosion; because we're cool

*Alex gives an incredibly long and eloquent description of explosion*

Alex: so that's what you notice, and ...

Howell: well I wouldn't, I'm not looking.

Howell: I didn't want to say this, but these barrels are special.

Alex: Roll a deception check

Howell: Natural 20

Everyone else: OOH OOOHHHHH OHHHHHHHH

Tristram: I've had so much milk; I'm stressing drinking milk.
Alex: "Why are you down so many hit points?"

Tristram: "You fireballed me"

Alex: "OHhhhh right"

Tristram: dickhead

Tristram: Can you stop taunting him when you're in my hole? I ask for so little.
After Dhalia wins the bossfight with a straight up crit on a level 15 wizards.Alex: Dhalia would you like to explain how it is?
Yohary: Feminine Energy
*talking about why he gives such good one liners*Yohary: I write down everything, and analyze the situation beforehand. I workshop; now you can be like me.
SEASON 2
Session 13
Jennings: "This is Gug 2, Electric Boogaloo"
Rosie, regarding Vincent: "Is he house trained?"

Vincent: "I am house trained! I have a degree!"

Session 14
Alex: "That's what you get for eating pies from strangers"
Session 15
Alex: "Rosie digs out another rock hard sausage for you"

Jennings: "How hard is this sausage"

Will: If I die again, I'm rolling on the exotic table

Post: well come over here jorin, lets make it happen

Vincent, after instigating an unwarranted encounter: "THAT'S WHAT IT GETS FOR GUARDING STUFF"
Session 18
Howell: is the Vuvuzela a weapon or an instrument?

Roz: Yes

Ray: Yes

Dhalia: Yes

Session 20: Morally Grey
Howell: Give me a number between... any two numbers.
Marwyn: I feel like a higher level than Valtar in general
Session 22: Disco Fever 2: Hellfired Up
Doctor Mora: What the fuck is a Barnacle Gang
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